384 days ago... remembered today.

a few weeks ago someone mentioned to me there was going to be a Relay for Life walk in town.
i didn't think much of it but then a couple of days ago i had a chance to write a name on one of the luminaries.
i chose one name. Rod Kimbler. good old Pastor Rod.
we miss you.
i caught myself saying the other day, "that is one man the Earth did not need to lose."
but i am happy to know that heaven gained that day.
then last night i was thinking of all the other people in my life who have been touched by cancer.
my grandpa
a friend at school
my uncle
my aunt
my teachers
a friends mother
my pastor
a friend of my moms
a lady from church
my own dad
...
....
there's more that i am missing. but that is just my life.
yes some may not have been serious cases but it's still a case.
and i am going to walk.
walk for all those.
this battle needs to end all together.
i don't want to type another pink name.
i don't want to have to remember another important person.
i want them all to be here with me for as long as possible.
and i'm going to walk.
will you?

they told me i would change and i denied it.

i can't decide
am i a homebody
or outgoing
i think it may be switching.
ever since i can remember i have wanted almost nothing to do with busy life,
but i have taken a sip of it and well,
it was quite refreshing.
i like going to sporting events
i love the atmosphere
i sit alone at most of the games
and people walk by and mention how bored i look.
parents sit around and laugh.
and i sit and enjoy using my christian nature to, with time, mention how i am eavesdropping and add in my two cents.
(where did two cents come from... anyone?)
truth is i am never bored .
i love it.
just being with people.
i think i had too much of my small secluded lifestyle as a youngster.
and i think i may try this busy thing a bit more.
i find it quite,
well lets say,
fun :)

I'm sick.
not physically but emotionally,
things have started to just claw away at my heart, even to a point where I have thought "I really wish I was poor or I wish I was a christian on a different continent"
I don't know about you, but this seems wrong to me
but you know what else seems wrong to me,
that we are allowed to speak and not follow through with our actions
that we forget each word that rolls off our tongues is a gift
that we don't care about the welfare of other countries as long as it sustains our economy and the thing that calls us to help is high gas prices not the love of the Lord.
that we buy our pets food when there are children starving
that a child in poverty knows how to worship God with more l.o.v.e. then I probably ever will.
that churches have to be divided by the barriers of religion and even us Christians still judge the other religious churches in our community.
and the thing that bothers me most...
is we see how faith in God works so precisely yet we just won't take that leap, the leap of faith, to leave our lives and just go serve.
that we can't just see clearly that if we have the faith of a mustard seed God will provide our needs, a.l.l of our needs.
so why can others give things up so easily, but us, the ones that have so much seem to hide it all. when will our christian nation become CHRIST-IN again. when will we show the world that we aren't all just greedy business men and women.
when will we decide we would rather have the love of Christ then the love for money.
when will we decide.
when will we choose faith.
now
or
never...
because otherwise I am off to live where God is more prominent
and where you live for his love and his love only.

row row row your boat.

anna is home
safe and sound
with pictures and videos.
and as we clicked through pictures
my heart clicked with one little boy.
honestly.
i saw him and was amazed.
anna called him a little magician.
he is four.
he can't walk.
but he speed crawls.
on the videos you can watch him just sit and play with his hands.
anna said he would just sit and watch leaves fall or the dryer for an hour straight.
she said he would all of the sudden scream a long high pitched squeal and then just laugh to himself.
she said he would do the butterfly with his hands and just rub them back and forth and say, "deedle deedle deedle."
as i saw him in videos and heard stories, i saw so much potential and wondered why was he given up on.
i was told his story.
the little magician was left in the hospital, waiting
patiently
innocently.
and after TLC saw him many times in the corner crib
with no entertainment
no anything.
they took him
he didn't get what he needed at the hospital
and is given up on... probably.
he is said not to be able to learn.
anna said he can, just slowly.
innocent.
it's not his fault.
i want to help
but how?
i cried laying in bed last night thinking about him.
why can't anyone just believe in him.
i do.
and i want to help.
he should not be denied a forever home.
he could be anything.
with just love.
he could row his boat anywhere.
just love.
could help him walk
love.
never fails.






the little magician.

it's not what I want it is what I need.

I want my love for Jesus to be

"a fire of love that stops at nothing,
a fire that sweeps everything before it.
A love that flood waters can't drown out,
torrents of rain can't even put it out.
A love that isn't bought.
A love that isn't sold.

A love not found in a marketplace."
-Song of Songs

I need my love for Jesus to be this
Jesus needs to be my all, or he is nothing at all.

kids.

I have decided I don't want perfect kids...
I consider myself almost perfect (not perfect but just almost too good)
I don't like it.
My dad tells me stories of his childhood almost daily.
I love them and hate them at the same time.
See here is the thing I have been thinking about,
I have no stories I can think of to tell my kids that really make them think.. WOW mom that is awesome!
I can think of one risk I have taken in my life, that I could make a story out of...
now don't get me wrong I have a lot of stories I can tell but just not cool ones.
I want my kids to take risks,
yes they may get hurt
yep maybe they will get caught once in a while
maybe they won't be straight A students
you know what, I really don't care...
as long as I have kids that listen somewhat, believe in God, and grow up to be loving people I say, " have fun while your young!"
I want my kids to have stories...
stories about memories...
cool memories,
ones that mean more than a good report card or a perfect school year.
ones that will forever be evident
when all those report cards, and mathematical theories don't matter...
I hope they turn out ok :) ha
what do you think.

I wear these beads. for you. for them.

Like I said, " Anna I wear these beads for you, for Lucas, Mark, Fiona, Claire, Liam, Obama, David M., David O., Grace, David Daniel, Alvin, Bella, Moses, Precious, Esther, Junior, Maddox, Abdul, Maliko, Scarlett, Ocitti, Patience and the other 147 million just waiting.... patiently.innocently.waiting...waiting to be l.o.v.e.d.